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IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

 

 
If we fall ill or have an injury we want to be checked by our doctor as soon as possible.  After all, doctors are concerned with promoting, maintaining, or restoring human health through the study, diagnosis, and treatment of disease, injury, and other physical and mental impairments.  Thus, we sometime tend to place them upon a pedestal for special admiration.
 
My wife worked for over thirty-five years in the medical field in seven different specialties. Over those years she learned that doctors are just like we ordinary people, some are very good at their trade and some are less so.  In fact, someone has said that over fifty percent of the doctors out there graduated in the bottom half of their classes.  So, how does a patient know that information?  The scary thing is that one will never know that.
 
Over the years many jokes have been written and told on doctors and nurses, as there has been with lawyers.  I want to share a few with you via this medium.
 
Someone remarked that people who think time heals everything haven’t tried sitting it out in a doctor’s waiting room.  Someone else concluded that a specialist is a doctor who has trained his patients to become ill during office hours.  They say that one in every four Americans is mentally unbalanced.  So, think of your three closest friends.  If they seem OK, then you’re in trouble.
 
An acupuncture specialist, annoyed by a late-night call from a patient, told the man, “Stick yourself with two needles and call me in the morning.”
 
An elderly gentleman wasn’t feeling well and became irritated with his doctor because he wasn’t getting better after five visits.  “Look”, said the doctor, “I’m doing all I can to help you.  I can’t make you any younger.”  “I wasn’t particularly interested in getting younger,” said the old man.  “I just want to continue growing older.”
 
The psychiatrist said sternly to his patient, “If you think you’re walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you’re crazy.”
 
Another psychiatrist told his patient, “Congratulation, sir, you’re cured.”  The patient replied, “Some cure.  Before, I was Julius Caesar.  Now I’m a nobody.”
 
A stranger visited the doctor and said, “Good morning, doctor.  I just stopped by to tell you how much I benefitted from your treatment.  Puzzled, the doctor replied, “But you are not one of my patients.”  “I know”, replied the man.  But my Uncle Bill was and I’m his sole heir.”
 
We’ve all seen sports bloopers and TV bloopers…well, how about Medical bloopers?  The following are a few selected bloopers found in hospital medical charts written by doctors:
 
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
She can’t get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
The patient has no past history of suicide.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
 
 
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient is a 79 year old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
Since the patient can’t conceive, I have sent her to a futility specialist.
The infection resulted after she had pimped a few popples.
Patient called and left word that he had expired last week.
Patient’s prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid.
Prior to surgery she was prepped and raped in the usual fashion.
Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks.
 
Too much work, and too much to think about are probably the reasons that led to the bloopers in those medical charts.  Besides that, we all make mistakes, don’t we?
 

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