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Stories


 


The above line, first spoken on stage around 1590, and first published in 1594, evidences a basic animosity toward lawyers among the folk of the Renaissance period.

 

In the 428 years since the composition of this line, attitudes toward lawyers among the common folk have changed very little.

 

The Spanish novelist, Franciso Quevedo, suggested, “A lawyer is like a cartwheel – he must be greased before he’ll move.”  He also wrote, “A lawyer is one who picks your pocket, and shows you a law for it.”

 

Woodrow Wilson, the 28th president of the USA, said, “I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character.”

 

Sir John Hamilton warned his contemporaries, “An attorney is like a porcupine; it’s impossible to touch him without pricking one’s finger.”

 

The following lawyer riddles have been around for awhile, and have been voted the best by us common folk. 

 

1. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
( When his lips are moving)
2. Why won’t a rattlesnake strike a lawyer?
(Professional courtesy)
3. What do you need when you have three lawyers up to their necks in 
Cement?
 (More cement)
4. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
( A doberman pinscher )
5. What do lawyers use for birth control?
( Their personalities)
6. What do you call two hundred lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
( A good start)
7. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ less than 50?
( your honor )
     8. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
          ( An offer you can’t understand )
          This is reminiscent of a remark made by Will Rogers, “The minute 
           You read something you can’t understand, you can be sure it was
            Drawn up by a lawyer.”
9. What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead
Lawyer in the road?
( There are skid marks in front of the skunk)
10. What is the difference between an alligator and a lawyer?
( You can make a pet out of an alligator )

11. What is the difference between a chopped onion and a chopped up 
            Up lawyer?( People cry when they chop up an onion )
12.  Why are lawyers buried twelve feet deep instead of six feet?
( Because down deep they really aren’t so bad )

 

Did you hear about the blizzard in Amarillo?  The weather was so bad that schools had to close, pipes were frozen, and streets had to be sanded.  It was so cold that a lawyer was actually spotted with his hands in his own pockets.

 

One evening an honest lawyer, a dishonest lawyer, and the tooth fairy were sitting around a table.  There was a ten dollar bill on the table.  Suddenly the lights went out.  After a while, the lights came back on.  The ten dollar bill was gone.  Who took it?


     (The dishonest lawyer.  You don’t believe in the other two, do you? )

 

Once the Devil was walking through hell when he saw one of the big shot lawyers who was a resident.  Satan walked over to him and said, “You know, the trouble with you lawyers is you think you’re the best people in hell.  But you’re not. You are just the more numerous.”

 

All of these stories about lawyers help us to laugh at them, and at ourselves, and at the stressful situations which require us to deal with lawyers.  Some of my best friends are lawyers.


Excerpts from: corners of  Texas, by Francis E. Abernethy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“THE FIRST THING WE DO, LET’S KILL ALL THE LAWYERS”

BY: NEAL MURPHY

PO BOX 511
SAN AUGUSTINE, TEXAS 75972
936-275-9033
CELL: 936-275-6986
EMAIL: SUGARBEAR@NETDOT.COM


614 WORDS

 

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